Just fear. No loathing. Only fear.

Sleep sweetly.

If I ever have to go to the ER again, I want to be in the waiting room for four, no, five hours. I want to sit in those horribly upholstered, terribly uncomfortable chairs until I can no longer feel my ass or my feet. I want my stomach to scream with hunger because a vending machine has been my only sustenance for breakfast and lunch. I want even my favorite cellular telephone games to become tedious.

When you go to the ER and they take you immediately without even registering you, your body is doing things you have not authorized and never wanted to experience. I pray (lol) that the next time I have to visit the ER is due to a UTI that feels like fire in my urethra. That won't get me seen ASAP, but that won't kill me. A demon in my bladder is preferable to an incubus in my lungs.

If you have to sit in the ER waiting room with chubby women who are vomiting into bags or middle-aged men who have weeping, open sores on their legs, consider yourself lucky. Rest assured that you probably aren't dying.

2013 Summer Fashion Preview

Limited edition bangles. $50 copay at AGH

This summer, it's all about the accessories. I mean, we all have our closets stocked full of the hippest J. Crew culottes and American Apparel clam diggers...it's time that we fine tune our wardrobe to show the world how unique we really are!!!

The model shown on the right is wearing the latest designs to hit the runway. Not only do these bracelets POP with color, but they are also utilitarian. Haven't you always wanted to tell the world you are a fall risk? Now you can do it in style! These super-exclusive stackable bracelets aren't available in stores...visit your local ER for more details!

Psychedelic gowns are perfect for girls who aren't afraid to stand out!

Ladies, forget about the skorts for a moment and consider the future of fashion: open-backed gowns! These patterned frocks are bound to call attention to all of your assets. If you are feeling a bit naughty, you can leave a string untied in the back to showcase your goods. Or, unsnap a few of the shoulder buttons to draw attention to your clavicles.

And let's not forget about the gents! This outfit is unisex and will make all of your ladyfriends swoon. I mean, what is hotter than being able to see a man's hairy, fat ass without having to subscribe to Cinemax??

Not only are these garments chic, but they are also durable. We all have little mishaps now and again. For those of us who are accident-prone, this is the perfect summer dress. The colorful geometric shapes and grey striations will hide even the most nasty of fluids - blood, urine, and feces stains will become a thing of the past! This gown will disguise all of those unmentionables while making you look like a super sexy sack of potatoes! Pro tip: for those of us who are a bit modest, you can double up the gowns! Just wear one as a dress and one as a robe, and no unauthorized eyes will be privy to your goodies.

Unfortunately, this garment is not sold in stores. However, if you book a stay at your local hospital, you can shove a few of these in your bag upon discharge. Don't miss an opportunity to score the hottest new dress to hit the market!