Just fear. No loathing. Only fear.

Sleep sweetly.

If I ever have to go to the ER again, I want to be in the waiting room for four, no, five hours. I want to sit in those horribly upholstered, terribly uncomfortable chairs until I can no longer feel my ass or my feet. I want my stomach to scream with hunger because a vending machine has been my only sustenance for breakfast and lunch. I want even my favorite cellular telephone games to become tedious.

When you go to the ER and they take you immediately without even registering you, your body is doing things you have not authorized and never wanted to experience. I pray (lol) that the next time I have to visit the ER is due to a UTI that feels like fire in my urethra. That won't get me seen ASAP, but that won't kill me. A demon in my bladder is preferable to an incubus in my lungs.

If you have to sit in the ER waiting room with chubby women who are vomiting into bags or middle-aged men who have weeping, open sores on their legs, consider yourself lucky. Rest assured that you probably aren't dying.

The Importance of Being Earnest

When I am not thinking of blood clots, I am most certainly thinking of word games. Or pizza.

Semantic satiation is a thing. I have used the word "clot" so many times over the last two weeks, that it has virtually lost all meaning. Clot. Clot. Clot. C-L-O-T. After awhile, it starts to sound like a dirty word, tee hee hee. 

Semantic satiation aside, words are powerful things. They are like tiny fists delivered in chirpy, nasal tones. . Words can make you question your beliefs. Words can elucidate ideas that you would prefer to remain muddy. 

When I first started experiencing calf pain, I chose to ignore it. If I refuse to acknowledge it, it's not there, right? It only became serious in my mind when my bff, Creeps, sat me down and told me (in a much nicer way) that I was being an irresponsible idiot for denying something so obvious. That was what prompted me to go to the hospital. (Thank you, Creeps, for saving my life. Let me buy you a coffee sometime for your trouble). 

Since my discharge, when asked, I have been open with the reason why I was hospitalized and missed a week of work. I have experienced the normal gamut of illnesses that affect most people - strep throat, influenza, painful diarrhea, etc. - and telling someone about those ailments elicits an entirely different reaction than telling someone about a pulmonary embolism.

Non-lethal ailment: "Oh, you have strep throat. That must suck. Drink OJ and get lots of rest!"

Pulmonary embolism: "Holy shit, I am glad you are standing here talking to me right now." 

Ever since I received the diagnosis of PE, I was completely aware of the gravity of the situation. However, the reactions I have been receiving from friends and coworkers have made the whole experience more "real." (I mean, it was never fake, It just wasn't so scary that I felt like peeing my pants). 

Of course these responses trigger a panic response in my brain. However, it is never a bad thing to be reminded that you are lucky to be alive. On a very basic level, it is an amazing coincidence that I was ever born. Now that I am here, it is incredible that I survived something that has killed so many wonderful people. 

It is easy to feel pity for oneself. It is difficult, but more profound, to view negative experiences as a building block for one's future. I have learned a lot about myself from this experience and I fully intend to use this knowledge to make a better life for myself going forward. I encourage anyone who has gone through something scary or painful to try to view their situation in this light. Everything is a learning experience and we owe it to our fellow humans to be good teachers. 

It's OK, I'm OK

"It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt" - Momu circa 1986

I'm not made of steel. Actually, I am made primarily of water and hormones. When those two elements combine, it results in a 5 hour cry-fest, ending only when I exclaim, "I'm so stressed!" and collapse on the floor. (Note to self: this is probably why I have never had a successful relationship). Anyway, my point is that weakness is natural and one shouldn't be ashamed of it. Or some shit like that.

Today, I cried a bunch. I'm not afraid to admit it because any person who has known me for longer than two weeks has seen me in the midst of full body sobs. I try to be one of those tough types who claims to never feel overwhelmed but my recent stay in a mental hospital betrays my true nature.

Being sick is scary. No matter how old, professional, educated, etc. you are, I bet you will be wishing for your mommy as soon as the insert the first IV catheter in your arm. As someone who has never been seriously ill, this is all new to me. Weekly blood tests, medicine that keeps me alive, pain in my chest, trouble breathing...all of these things terrify me. Nothing is more disconcerting than being faced with your own mortality. Life is fragile and that is a fact that most of us would like to forget.

When I was first admitted to the hospital, none of these things registered in my mind. Intellectually, I knew something was wrong with me but I was so occupied with my fantastic bed, ok food, and attractive nurses that I ignored the fact how close I came to death. Ignorance and numbness are effective tools for avoiding pain or responsibility. However, this blessed numbness never lasts long and once it dissipates, you are left sitting in a huge crater of what your life once was.

Fate and luck do not figure into my worldview. I believe that we are in control of our lives and we, alone, determine how we will handle crises. With proper treatment, my blood clots will one day disappear but this experience will forever leave an imprint on my psyche. Today was a bad day, but tomorrow, I will probably feel hopeful and full of life again.

My point of this post is this: life is hard sometimes but it is also amazing. Don't be afraid to show your true feelings but don't let negativity color every aspect of your life. The only thing you can't fix is death. I am committed to taking care of myself to ensure that I am around to do everything I want to do, within reason. This post is as much for myself as it is for anyone else who may be "listening."