It's OK, I'm OK

"It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt" - Momu circa 1986

I'm not made of steel. Actually, I am made primarily of water and hormones. When those two elements combine, it results in a 5 hour cry-fest, ending only when I exclaim, "I'm so stressed!" and collapse on the floor. (Note to self: this is probably why I have never had a successful relationship). Anyway, my point is that weakness is natural and one shouldn't be ashamed of it. Or some shit like that.

Today, I cried a bunch. I'm not afraid to admit it because any person who has known me for longer than two weeks has seen me in the midst of full body sobs. I try to be one of those tough types who claims to never feel overwhelmed but my recent stay in a mental hospital betrays my true nature.

Being sick is scary. No matter how old, professional, educated, etc. you are, I bet you will be wishing for your mommy as soon as the insert the first IV catheter in your arm. As someone who has never been seriously ill, this is all new to me. Weekly blood tests, medicine that keeps me alive, pain in my chest, trouble breathing...all of these things terrify me. Nothing is more disconcerting than being faced with your own mortality. Life is fragile and that is a fact that most of us would like to forget.

When I was first admitted to the hospital, none of these things registered in my mind. Intellectually, I knew something was wrong with me but I was so occupied with my fantastic bed, ok food, and attractive nurses that I ignored the fact how close I came to death. Ignorance and numbness are effective tools for avoiding pain or responsibility. However, this blessed numbness never lasts long and once it dissipates, you are left sitting in a huge crater of what your life once was.

Fate and luck do not figure into my worldview. I believe that we are in control of our lives and we, alone, determine how we will handle crises. With proper treatment, my blood clots will one day disappear but this experience will forever leave an imprint on my psyche. Today was a bad day, but tomorrow, I will probably feel hopeful and full of life again.

My point of this post is this: life is hard sometimes but it is also amazing. Don't be afraid to show your true feelings but don't let negativity color every aspect of your life. The only thing you can't fix is death. I am committed to taking care of myself to ensure that I am around to do everything I want to do, within reason. This post is as much for myself as it is for anyone else who may be "listening."