So what if I am limping so badly I can barely stand up? I'm cool, man.

Look at my swelling. I SAID LOOK AT IT!

In the middle of April, I was hospitalized for being crazy (completely different, yet hilarious story.) About a week after getting of the hospital, I started noticing pain in my leg that felt much like a strained muscle. It wasn't getting any better, it wasn't getting any worse so I chose to ignore it.

As anyone who has spent time in a mental institution can understand, a doctor's office is the second-to-last place I wanted to be (the first, of course, being the mental institution). Anyway, who goes to a doctor for a pulled muscle? They would probably laugh at me.

When you have a strained muscle, you expect the pain to diminish day-by-day until it is completely healed. With the leg pain I was experiencing, it was not getting worse but it was not getting better. During this time, it was suggested to me that I could possibly have a blood clot. Being the person I am, my response was something like, "meh, meh, meh, blah."This conversation continued over the next few days until I promised to go to an urgent care center after I ended work for the day.

It is terrifying to think of how close I came to being not-ok (aka dead).

On the afternoon before my promised doctor's visit, I experienced the scariest chest pain of my life. It was sharp, like a knife puncturing my chest cavity, and was terrifying, although it only lasted about 20 seconds. When I regained my senses, I realized I was very close to passing out and I was short of breath.

The funny thing about this is that I was carrying my lunch, which consisted of a greasy pepperoni roll, back to my office. I remember thinking, "of course I have to have a heart attack while I am carrying probably one of the most unhealthy lunches in the history of lunch." When I laughed at the joke I told myself in my head, I felt like I would be ok. One can't be amused while they are dying, right? Stupidly, I finished the rest of my shift at work but went to the emergency room immediately after.

EDIT: My bff, Creeps, who drug me (kicking and screaming) to the ER just reminded me that I wanted to go to dinner before going to the hospital. The pepperoni roll I ate during the day was being digested and my stomach wanted something else. Creeps compromised by buying me a bag of Sun Chips and a Coke from the hospital vending machine. 

And this is where my adventure begins....

TO BE CONTINUED