MENSES! (NSFW and probably boys, too)

What is that cliche about a raincoat and a monsoon?

I can't say I wasn't warned but I am the queen of "it won't happen to me."

Well, it happened. It happened, I was not prepared, and I cried. I cried like a child who bought an ice cream cone and promptly dropped it. And then a dog came along and ate the discarded ice cream and I cried some more.

Life is haaaaarrrrd.

My imagination is very active and I watch an inordinate amount of Investigation Discovery Channel murder shows. When these two elements are combined, any amount of spontaneous bleeding transports me into the middle of an episode of 48 Hours Mystery in which I am the main character. I am the worst person to be on Warfarin.

.......TMI AFTER THE JUMP......

I'm just going to get right to the point. I am a woman. Because I am a woman, I have to deal with the monthly curse*. Typically my period is light and manageable, so much so that I am barely aware that any blood being expelled from my naughtybits. I figured this was the universe's display of kindness after being victimized by circumstance time and time again. This was one house of cards that I never expected to fall.

My menstrual house of cards was blown over in a huge way this morning. I won't get into too many gory details because I do have respect for anyone who is kind enough to read my ramblings. I will say, however, HOLY SHIT and leave it at that.

Every single healthcare provider with whom I have spoken about Warfarin has been very clear: blood thinners will cause VERY HEAVY PERIODS. Because I was too preoccupied with the gunk in my lung, I paid minimal attention to this warning. Let me tell you - today, lunggunk is the last thing on my mind. I am more worried about my ovaries falling out and taking the rest of my reproductive system with them.

Tears and laughter ensued when I realized that there was not one single feminine sanitary product in my house. Oh, the irony!

Anyway, the moral of this story is: ladies, if you are on blood-thinners and the doctors tell you that your menstrual cycle may change, listen to them. And then go to the store and buy every single box of pads that they have on their shelves.

*Other acceptable euphemisms for menstruation:

• Aunt Flo 
• Lady business
• Laying an egg
• Girl flu
• Shark week
• Painting the town red
• The monster
• Monthly troubles
• Ragtime
• Red letter day
• Etc, etc, etc