The Importance of Being Earnest

When I am not thinking of blood clots, I am most certainly thinking of word games. Or pizza.

Semantic satiation is a thing. I have used the word "clot" so many times over the last two weeks, that it has virtually lost all meaning. Clot. Clot. Clot. C-L-O-T. After awhile, it starts to sound like a dirty word, tee hee hee. 

Semantic satiation aside, words are powerful things. They are like tiny fists delivered in chirpy, nasal tones. . Words can make you question your beliefs. Words can elucidate ideas that you would prefer to remain muddy. 

When I first started experiencing calf pain, I chose to ignore it. If I refuse to acknowledge it, it's not there, right? It only became serious in my mind when my bff, Creeps, sat me down and told me (in a much nicer way) that I was being an irresponsible idiot for denying something so obvious. That was what prompted me to go to the hospital. (Thank you, Creeps, for saving my life. Let me buy you a coffee sometime for your trouble). 

Since my discharge, when asked, I have been open with the reason why I was hospitalized and missed a week of work. I have experienced the normal gamut of illnesses that affect most people - strep throat, influenza, painful diarrhea, etc. - and telling someone about those ailments elicits an entirely different reaction than telling someone about a pulmonary embolism.

Non-lethal ailment: "Oh, you have strep throat. That must suck. Drink OJ and get lots of rest!"

Pulmonary embolism: "Holy shit, I am glad you are standing here talking to me right now." 

Ever since I received the diagnosis of PE, I was completely aware of the gravity of the situation. However, the reactions I have been receiving from friends and coworkers have made the whole experience more "real." (I mean, it was never fake, It just wasn't so scary that I felt like peeing my pants). 

Of course these responses trigger a panic response in my brain. However, it is never a bad thing to be reminded that you are lucky to be alive. On a very basic level, it is an amazing coincidence that I was ever born. Now that I am here, it is incredible that I survived something that has killed so many wonderful people. 

It is easy to feel pity for oneself. It is difficult, but more profound, to view negative experiences as a building block for one's future. I have learned a lot about myself from this experience and I fully intend to use this knowledge to make a better life for myself going forward. I encourage anyone who has gone through something scary or painful to try to view their situation in this light. Everything is a learning experience and we owe it to our fellow humans to be good teachers.