I AM SO HAPPY

Post m0rph!n3 injection. Also, that is a thumb and not a stump.

"No one is ever happy to be in the hospital. Well, except you." - Creeps 2013

It is no secret that I march to the beat of my own drummer. Actually, if I had my own personal percussionist, he would probably follow me around playing a pair of garbage cans. With that said, I LOVE THE HOSPITAL and I will fight anyone who talks shit on it. Admittedly, it will be a weak fight because I get winded easily, with the embolism and all.

Anyway, let me tell you why the hospital is great:

Food: I dedicated a whole post to this so I don't need to say anything else. Except sherbet.

Hi-Tech Equipment: A hypochondriac appreciates nothing more than top-of-the-line diagnostic tools that will expose all of their ailments from Morgellon's disease to Epidermodysplasia verruciformis. Every time I have to have imaging done, I am both horrified and intrigued. No one should every have to see their voice box or watch their heart beat if they don't want to, but I swear to you it is the coolest thing you will ever experience. Unless of course, you prefer to pretend you completely lack organs and are a ball of white light on the inside. In that case, I understand, and won't try to convince you that watching your own heart beat is fucking MIND BLOWING.

During my stay, I had a few tests conducted which confirmed my PE (sadface) but also ruled out any underlying heart problems, lung cancer, gall stones, and tapeworms. Being around people who can definitively state that I do not have tapeworm is a huge plus in my book, whatever that means.

Awesome Doctors: Sometimes doctors can act like dicks because their brains are huge and they sold their first born to pay for college. Here is a plug for Allegheny General Hospital: their doctors were kind, compassionate, and understanding. It is so disconcerting to be diagnosed with something that is potentially lethal, but each doctor I talked to made me feel relaxed, like I could overcome any problem that was messing with my body. During my stay, my favorite phrase was, "I am in good hands." I truly believed that. My attending physician spent a lot of time with me and answered my LONG list of questions without seeming annoyed. When I spoke with the doctor each day, he made me feel like his only patient. His mind was not elsewhere. When you are scared and don't want to die, this is the type of doctor you want to encounter.

Super-Professional Nurses: It is expected that your healthcare providers will maintain a professional

How many babies would you like me to give you?

demeanor at all times. At AGH, they met and exceeded my expectations. Even if it wasn't time for a feeding, shot, or diaper change (just kidding. I didn't poop the bed once), my nurse would pop his/her head in my room every so often just to see if I needed anything. I was actually asked if I liked ice cream. Who the fuck doesn't like ice cream, was my response but more polite. Within moments, I had a bowl of vanilla ice cream in front of my face. It didn't survive outside of my digestive system for long.

I was in the hospital for five days. This could have been hugely scary for me but the staff at AGH was simply wonderful. I can't say enough good things and can't even make a joke. Out of all the hospitals in Pittsburgh, I am glad I chose this one.